An Impossible Child

My old pinned tweet was the start of a longish thread that told a bit of my story. I accidentally deleted it. This is it in picture form. The rest of the thread is here:

Mar 29, 2019

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

It was 1959 when I lost my second baby tooth. I was 5-ish going on 6. The shiny dime that appeared uner my pillow after the first tooth went missing inspired faith in the awesome power of the Tooth Fairy greater than god or even Santa.

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

Something had been bothering me since I was even younger. People kept dressing me as a boy, calling me a boy name, trying to make me a boy. I KNEW I wasn't a boy. But I was scared. I looked like a boy, so I could imagine why everyone thought I was one. 2/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

I tried to tell my mom and Dad about it, but they told me I was a boy and that was that. I thought, "maybe the Tooth Fairy knows I'm a girl, and will help". So, after I showed Mom the tooth, I told her I'd leave it under the pillow with a note for the Tooth Fairy. 3/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

She gave me a pencil and paper. After I'd said my prayers, and was alone I wrote in my child's scrawl on the paper. I wrapped the tooth in it, and put it under the pillow. It'd be nice to get another dime, I thought, but I'd forego that if the Tooth Fairy gave me my wish. 4/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

I wrote "make me be a girl." It seemed simple. We're talking the Tooth Fairy. Surely, she'd get it. Without doubt, she'd speak with the authorities and work it out. And I slept. 5/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

I woke to find my Mom sitting anxiously on the bed. She had the paper in her hand. "What is this?", she asked. I said I thought the Tooth Fairy could see me as Stephanie if nobody else could. It was 1958. Mom. Just. Couldn't. 6/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

My Mom threw a bit of a nutty. I was scared all over again. I was wrong. I was never to talk about such foolishness again, or there would be Ministers (them first, I was after all, a Preacher's Kid), and maybe even Psychiatrists to speak to otherwise. 7/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

The Ministers scared me. I knew them. I didn't know about the Psychiatrists, but they sounded scary too. If I had known then what I know now, maybe the shrinks would have been helpful. But I had it on good authority at the age of 6 that ever talking about this again would be 8/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

unfortunate and unwelcome. I was stuck. I was a boy, and that was that. BUT I WASN'T. I learned to pretend, to play boy. Then I played adolescent boy. Then I played man. I played it OK. But it hurt me desperately. And from my hurts and play acting 9/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

came hurts for those close to me as I lived my play-act life. Those are the hurts I most regret. It took until 1999 before the dam that was my life burst. I found a good shrink. I came to terms with my dysphoria, and fixed it. I sought to heal the hurts my own 10/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

dishonesty caused others, with some success, some regrets. You see, when I was 6, I was told I needed to hide my honesty, conceal my truth. And that's incredibly hard to do when, for whatever reason, your true self and your body are constantly at war. 11/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

A lot has changed since 1959. The science around sex and gender, and cultural acceptance of non-binary kids is wider spread. I would not wish gender dysphoria on my worst enemy. But I literally weep for my brothers and sisters blessed or cursed with the condition 12/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

who now face a cruel Government which seems determined to turn the clock back to 1959; which proposes rules and definitions that would view me as play-acting NOW; that would deny me at my core. And worse 13/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

would condemn today's transgendered kids to the closeted, painful, false shadow life I lived for 40 years. It's unnecessary, unscientific, unhygienic, and overbearingly cruel. 14/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

The proposed HHS ruling has brought it all flooding back. I know the trans experience is one cis folk have a hard time relating to, but my friends know me, and know by me that it is real. The bigots can try to erase our humanity. They will never erase our lives. 15/

Oct 23, 2018

Stephanie Helms

@sidhra

<coda> Thanks to those who've read. Please help us fight. Find compassion for kids and parents dealing with this. Tell HHS not to change it's criteria for sex and gender designations on US documents like Passports, etc. It's really important. It can save lives.

Oct 23, 2018